GREED: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by Diamond Mask
Summary: Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a GREED unit! With this nifty little guide, you can learn the basics of feeding, cleaning and loving your very own Ultimate Shield!


**GREED: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual**

**Disclaimer**: This authoress does not own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of the respective characters, and The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual series format belongs to Theresa Green.

**A/N**: Next and last up will be the guide for Alphonse. But this will only be my last guide for Fullmetal Alchemist; the next ones will be for Naruto: probably Hatake Kakashi and Uchiha Itachi. If you are a Naruto fan, please read my guide for Hoshigaki Kisame, and help spread the Kisame love!

Please read and review XD

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**CONGRATULATIONS!**

You are now the proud owner of a GREED! To unlock the full potential of your very own Ultimate Shield, read the following manual with care as misuse of the GREED unit could prove hazardous to your health.

**Technical Specifications**

Name: Greed (AKA the Ultimate Shield. Will also respond to "Greed-sama", "Mr. Greed" and "Oh, you sexy bastard!")

Age: 250 (but still fresh and gorgeous)

Place of manufacture: Lil' Homunculi Babies, Sexy Badass Division.

Height: 183 cm

Weight: Not telling… (but ask the nearest KIMBLEY unit if you really want to know)

Length: Indestructible, high-density hardware that promises plenty of non-stop action.

**Your GREED will come with the following accessories**:

One Fur-lined Waistcoat

One Pair Black Pants

One Pair Fine Italian Leather Boots

One Pair Designer Sunglasses

Eight Black Leather Wristbands

One Bag O' Greed Bones©

One Tattoo of Ouroboros©

One Pair Boxers (_optional_)

Please note that the Tattoo of Ouroborosã accessory must be applied to your unit within twenty-four hours of opening the box, or the GREED will be unable to use any of his Homunculi abilities. Similar to the ENVY unit, your GREED will only be able to fully utilize his Homunculi abilities if the Tattoo of Ouroboros© accessory is applied to the proper body part (which is the left hand for your GREED), and placing it anywhere else will result in the GREED shifting into permanent Out of Character mode.

**WARNING**: If your GREED is so out of character that he goes around hugging ENVY units and declaring his undying love and devotion for DANTE, forget cashing in his guarantee. His guarantee was void the second you stuck the Tattoo of Ouroboros© on a spot other than his left hand.

**Removing your GREED from his box**

Removing the GREED from his box is a less complicated process than most other units, but it can also be the most dangerous. The most important thing to remember is that you show your new unit who is boss – if your Ultimate Shield believes you to be unworthy of his allegiance, he will flee once you have released him from the box to seek his own desires.

Place the box in the centre of the room, ensuring that no furniture obstructs your path should you need to make a quick getaway. Remove the skull embedded in the cardboard and keep it in your hand. With the seal broken, your GREED will emerge from his box and will easily be able to break the restraints around his arms and feet. Do not be alarmed if he starts laughing uncontrollably, this is a completely natural reaction for your unit. Before he can exert his dominance, or inflict the full effect of his devastating sex-appeal on you with his toothy grin, show him the skull – he should yield to you without argument. If he argues, bash him over the head with the skull and sweetly inform him that you are now his master and he is now your bitch.

Once your GREED has accepted your authority, put the skull in the Bag O' Greed Bones© and hide it so that you always have a means of controlling your naturally rebellious unit.

**Programming**

Your GREED will have been programmed with a number of useful functions and modes, each designed to maximise your own benefit and pleasure:

Bodyguard: Because of his ability to encase his body in an indestructible, high density and frictionless material (i.e. by altering the carbon in his body, transforming it to become as hard as diamond) the GREED is the perfect bodyguard. With the Ultimate Shield at your side, you will be protected from any danger, and any threat to you will be disposed of effortlessly!

Bar Manager: Even though the GREED would rather kick back and indulge himself with women and booze, he has the uncanny ability to win the absolute loyalty of most Chimera that come his way. Use this quality to your advantage by buying a bar and appointing your GREED as the manager. Then, all you need to do is sit back and watch the cash roll in as dozens of Chimera units flock to help your GREED and work for nothing!

Kidnapper: Have you always fancied an ALPHONSE ELRIC? Has the adorable WRATH from next door caught your eye? This rather useful little function is perfect for people who hate spending money, and the cost of all these units can start weighing down on the Average Joe. Simply tell your GREED that the ALPHONSE and WRATH carry the keys to immortality, and you should have your new unit in no time.

Chick Magnet: Are you a social outcast? Are you afraid no one will show up if you throw a party? Simply spread the word that the GREED will be there, and you should have the most popular girls (and guys) stampeding over themselves to get a piece of your Ultimate Shield at what is guaranteed to become the Party of the Year!

**Your GREED will come with in the following modes**:

Greedy (_default_)

Egotistical

Sexy Badass (_default_)

Rebellious

Immortality Seeking

Slash (_locked_)

Out of Character (_locked_)

To unlock the Out of Character mode, force your unit to be completely selfless and deprive him of any indulgences such as alcohol and women. To unlock the Slash mode, deprive him of any sexual contact for a month, then lock him in a room with a male unit. **Caution**: if the chosen unit is a KIMBLEY, he must be clean and wearing his sexy purple suit or the equally sexy military uniform. Do not try to set your GREED up with a Special Edition: Pre-Escape© KIMBLEY in full prison garb: lank, oily hair is not a turn on, and your GREED will punish you for the insult. And woe betide if he gets any of that hair-grease on his clothes…

**Relations with other units**

EDWARD ELRIC: This tiny, flea-like alchemist has plenty of bones to pick with the GREED, since the Ultimate Shield has an unhealthy interest in his fourteen-year-old little brother (but we suspect that the EDWARD is just jealous that the GREED is not interested in his body). Expect plenty of cool, alchemic battling action whenever these two units engage with each other. **Caution**: too much exposure to an EDWARD ELRIC can be dangerous for your GREED (_see Troubleshooting for further details_).

ALPHONSE ELRIC: All the GREED wants from the ALPHONSE is his body. Well, the secret to his soul affixation anyway (but you can still pretend otherwise if this pairing rocks your boat). Exactly why he wants to live as a big, rusting heap of metal is beyond us, especially since an ALPHONSE can still die if his Blood Seal© is destroyed. Well, as long as your unit steers clear of any Greed Bones© he can live as long as he wants – just try telling him that. No, really. Try. God knows we did, but he seems to have a hidden Stubborn mode and refuses to give up on it.

ZOLF J KIMBLEY: The Crimson Alchemist, Psycho Bomber, or just plain old crazy bastard, the KIMBLEY unit is not one to be taken lightly. He has a rather nasty habit of blowing up everyone he meets (which is why the KIMBLEY is not recommended for homes with children and pets) and betraying GREED units. On the other hand, the KIMBLEY and GREED do make a lovely and lively couple, so you might be willing to put up with the massive explosions and betrayals in exchange for hot yaoi action. Just make sure you live in a FRANK ARCHER-free neighbourhood before buying a KIMBLEY as a companion for your GREED.

DANTE: Your GREED is a tad resentful when it comes to his former lover. After all, being sealed beneath the Fifth Laboratory for a hundred and forty years is bound to give anyone a grudge, especially when that someone is a vindictive, psychotic ex-girlfriend.

ENVY: The GREED hates, detests, despises, loathes and resents all ENVY units. Any contact between these two, even an attempt at Slash, will result in grievous injuries and immense property damage. Oh, and did we mention that they tend not to get along?

WRATH: Your GREED would dearly love to get his hands on this whiny little Homunculus and his ability to perform alchemy. Unfortunately, so does everyone else. This could cause problems for your Ultimate Shield, so try to keep him away from WRATH units – unless, of course, you want him to be constantly attacked by the other Homunculi, or the EDWARD ELRIC and IZUMI CURTIS.

DEVIL'S NEST PLAYSET: Consists of the MARTA, LAW, DOROCHET, BLONDIE, DOC and LIZARD MAN units, as well as several NAMELESS CHIMERA units. The Chimera models are the perfect subordinates for your GREED, and they will protect him to the death if the need arises. With henchmen like these, what GREED needs friends?

**Cleaning**

GREED units are extremely indulgent and will enjoy being pampered at bath time. Expect to be invited to share a bubble bath, where your unit may graciously allow you to give him a massage – and he just might be inclined to return the favour! It is also likely at this point that the GREED will not protest at the use of chocolate sauce, whipped cream, or any other sweet treats you may wish to use.

**WARNING**: The manufacturers will not be held responsible for any marital/relationship disputes that may arise from giving your unit a 'bath'.

**Feeding**

While the GREED does not expect caviar and champagne for dinner, he does have high standards, and will expect a decent meal three times a day. When he behaves nicely, reward your GREED by taking him out for a gourmet meal.

**Rest**

Your GREED may deny that he needs more than three hours of sleep, especially when he wants to accomplish his goals of power and immortality as soon as possible, but insist that he gets at least six hours every day, and tie him to the bed if necessary. **Caution**: at this point, your GREED may ask you to tie him down with silk scarves or cuff him to the bedposts with fluffy handcuffs. By all means, comply with his demands, even though it means neither of you will be getting much sleep.

**Frequently Asked Questions**

Q: I left my GREED alone for the weekend, but when I came back, there was a sign saying 'Devil's Nest' over my front door, and my house was filled with drunk strangers!

A: Yes, GREED units have a habit of turning their residences into bars, particularly when they are left unsupervised. But getting angry at your GREED is not going to solve the situation – he will probably just run away and set up shop somewhere else. Look on the bright side, this is a very good business opportunity! People will pay a lot to hang out with your GREED, and you should be able to produce healthy profits by charging exorbitant prices for drinks, food and entertainment.

Q: My GREED keeps coming home with ripped and burnt clothes, or no clothes at all! What can I do? Replacing his wardrobe is costing me a fortune! On the plus side though, he is looking very pleased with himself…

A: Have you recently unlocked his Slash mode? Because the 'ripped clothes/no clothes' state you described is a sure sign that your GREED is involved in a Slash relationship with a KIMBLEY! You see, when KIMBLEY units engage sexually with other units, they tend to blow things up (well, make more explosions than usual, anyway) and the GREED is no exception. Thanks to his Ultimate Shield© ability, he escapes without a scratch, but we can see how the clothes are a problem. In the future, instruct your GREED to take off his clothes and place them in a safe place before he even goes near the KIMBLEY. If he refuses to listen and continues destroying his clothes, threaten to seal him in the basement with your Bag O' Greed Bones©.

And of course he is looking pleased with himself. He has a KIMBLEY to play with.

Q: I want my GREED to settle down, and have a stable, warm and loving relationship!

A: Yeah, right. When pigs and Homunculi fly. Seriously though, GREED units are too greedy and self-absorbed to pursue any lasting relationship (beyond sex) with any unit. At most, the only stable relationship the GREED will have is friendship and loyalty from and with the Chimera units that admire and protect him.

Q: I wanted to show off my GREED's party trick, so I persuaded my LAW unit to whack off his head with his giant hammer. It was supposed to reform, but it refuses to grow back. Help, I think he might be dead!

A: Oops. All Homunculi units are supposed to be invincible, so this must be a glitch in his system. Have your LAW pop him back in the box and take him to the nearest technician or send him back for a replacement. Similarly, have your LAW treated for any trauma he will have suffered because of accidentally killing a GREED.

Q: My GREED is an amazing bodyguard, but whenever he has to get serious, I hate how ugly he looks! Is there any way he can use his Ultimate Shield© ability and kick butt while still retaining his gorgeous features?

A: No. But how dare you call your GREED ugly? GREED units are never ugly, they just look more badass in their transformed states. And in the case of a GREED, badass never equals ugly. If you want a good relationship with your GREED, remember that.

Q: My GREED keeps bringing home strange women!

A: Um… would you prefer if he brought home strange men? Hey, just kidding! But seriously, if you do find yourself becoming jealous, force your unit into his Out of Character mode and program the _You are my First, Last and Only_© cheat code. This code will cause your GREED to become a strictly one-woman (or one-man) unit, and he will be solely yours forever more. Note: this code is automatically deactivated in the event of owner death, so that your unit can live the normal lifestyle of a GREED after you are gone.

**Troubleshooting**

Problem: Your GREED keeps kidnapping ALPHONSE ELRIC units and storing them in your basement in order to learn the secrets of the soul affixation.

Solution: Explain to your GREED the zero appeal in living as a suit of armour. No food, no sleep, no sex… hell, he might as well be dead! Anyway, mention "no sex" twice just to make sure the message hits home. He should stop bringing ALPHONSE ELRIC units home after that little talk.

Problem: You came home to find your GREED missing. On the other hand, there is a nasty stain on the carpet that was never there before… and there are bones lying all over the floor. Come to think of it, you did see an EDWARD ELRIC running away from your house, too…

Solution: Uh-oh. Your GREED must have kidnapped an ALPHONSE ELRIC, and the older brother tracked him down. We regret to inform you that your GREED is probably dead. And the body? Well, remember the stain on the carpet? Your Ultimate Shield kinda… well… dissolved. Sorry.

Note: To prevent this from happening again, ensure that the Bag O' Greed Bones© is kept in a secure location, out of the reach of any EDWARD ELRIC, KIMBLEY or DANTE units. If he refuses to stop kidnapping little brother units, just buy him his own ALPHONSE and be done with it.

Problem: Your GREED and KIMBLEY are finally in a relationship, but the KIMBLEY keeps betraying him and running away with a FRANK ARCHER.

Solution: Unfortunately, no matter how much the editor of this guide wishes they would just settle down and find a way to have babies, KIMBLEY units will always betray the GREED. Fact of life, kids. Even though the GREED is far better looking, the FRANK ARCHER can offer your KIMBLEY the opportunity to blow hundreds of people to kingdom come (the entire city of Liore, in fact), while all the GREED can offer is a few measly soldiers at the Southern headquarters in Central.

**Final Note**

After many years with the Ultimate Shield by your side, you will grow old and eventually die. But the GREED is a Certified Bishonen© and will linger for hundreds, possibly thousands of years, providing your descendents with loyal service and plenty of eye candy to feast their eyes on. To prevent bloody court battles, make sure that your GREED is left in the care of someone who will love and care for him like he deserves.


End file.
